By Elmina Fabon Fallar
Mr. and Mrs. Vicente F. Fopalan and Marietta Fopalan (Nee Maravilla) never missed my name among the list of invited guests on their renewal of vow last April 17, 2021. But because of the onset of COVID-19, the occasion was postponed and was moved to April 17, 2022. After 51 years, their dream was fulfilled, a dream worth celebrating with family, relatives and friends.
Good marriage procedures can be taught, and age doesn’t make any difference. No one si born a good wife or husband, but anyone can learn successful marriage practices.
Let’s take a look at the critical areas of marriage that I have observed from Vic and Angga.
Communication involves both output and input. Output is everything communicated verbally or nonverbally about oneself. Input is what one hears, what one perceives, and what one sees in another person. But before a person can start to communicate, he must be willing to be open. And that’s difficult.
Communication requires a free flowing openness between two persons. But to have this free flow there must be trust, understanding, and appreciation. One must know he’s in good hands; otherwise he will be careful of what he reveals.
This oneness in which one is an open book to a mate, they must spend time together. And when they are together, they must talk to each other – not just about the kids or the bills, but about things that really matter to them, about whatever is on their mind or in their heart.
Warmth. Warmth has to do with ones capacity to express, “I care about you.” Warmth is ones words, physical affection, the things done for each other.
I’d like to comment that most marriages today, once married no longer express the warmth that they expressed while they were dating. This omission causes a real problem because what one expresses, it is felt. And if one expresses nothing, he soon begins to feel nothing.
Are you able to express warmth even when you don’t feel it? Do you treat your spouse as being worth something? That’s what love is all about. Love does not require one to feel good to do good.
Love is acting on the person’s worth even when one doesn’t feel like it; but it is the best way to get to the place where one does feel like it.
Companionship is the capacity to enjoy each other as persons. One can judge the quality of companionship by the quality of dates – and if there are no dates, it tells something about companionship immediately.
Before we were married we probably did all kinds of exciting things and didn’t spend much money. Money is sometimes a deterrent to companionships, because with money we tend to buy entertainment. But we don’t have money, all we’ve got is each other.
I’ suggest every married couple should have no less than one planned date a week. It doesn’t need to paint the town red. Just spend the whole evening sitting on the floor with lights out, listening to records and reminiscing to enjoy each other.
Compare dates now with those when you were courting. Do you still enjoy holding hand? Do you arrange time for each other? The time made for each other in going to determine whether or not there is companionship. It doesn’t just happen.
Interests represent everything in life one takes the initiative in seeking out. Anything from sports and hobbies to intellectual, artistic or devotional pastimes could be considered an interest. Those are the things that make life worth living. If both spouses, share things in common, then they’ll soon reach the place where they feel their life is worthwhile because of their common touch points.
Values are anything to many. People have values about money, children, sex, politics, religion, and many other things. Are the things that are important to someone important to ones husband or wife? Some people don’t even know what’s important to them.
Religious values are very important because it add a larger purpose to life. If man is made in the image of God, then we are valuable. and man can’t really be made in the image of God and not reflect that image.
Values give us freedom. Values make it possible for everyone to go beyond the moment. Look at our values. Do we know what they are? Does your spouse share the most important values?
Sex refers to the toral male-female relationship – not just fifteen minutes of intercourse. Sex is a special look, a touch, the way one relates as male and female.
Many people say they don’t have any “spark” left. The trouble is not that they don’t have “spark” but that they are not manifesting the kind of unique behavior that creates spark. It can be regained. I’ve seen it happen in people who have reached their 70s.
Family. How couples function as a family is going to be determined to a great extent by how couples function as husband and wife. The roles of husband and mother and father interrelate. Children will either tear them apart or bring them closer together.
Social. No marriage is stable if it’s a private club. Marriage is a social relationship, and to the extent that couples expand their love for each other, and manifest it to other people, so that marriage will be strengthened.
God has designed the family to be the central core of witnessing in the universe. The family is the starting point, not the ending point for love. If couples have family solidarity, they must go beyond the family and share with others. They must love other people together. They must put some togetherness in sharing.
Business is the stuff of marriage – buying furnitures, selecting colors for the sofa, buying kitchen utensils. It is the business administration of the home.
Feedback refers to the capacity of husband and wife to be able to talk to each other about the progress of the marriage. It is a very important dimension. It is the capacity to reflect upon what marriage has been doing, where one has come from, and where one is going.
Marriage don’t just happen. Feedback is essential to keep a marriage in tiptop condition. Vic and Angga were married and enjoyed it Marriage should have been hell if they didn’t. But marriage was heaven on earth because they enjoyed it.
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